hello, my name is αδύναμος

dear friends:

being at camp firwood, and in this stage of my life, is harder than i anticipated.  i am very tired, emotionally.  i miss my family ~ even dead members of it.  i miss my friends ~ miss having people around who i know love me, and will continue to love me and be available to me in the years to come.  i miss having people who know me, and who i know.

i am being confronted with how much sorrow i have in my life and in my heart.  i often think of loss, think of people moving on ~ of the past, and of how the present will not last ~~ of how these people will soon be gone.  before long, i'll be packing my bags and turning my back on this place, on everyone here, and walking away.  i may never see these people again, after that.  i'll not have the chance to know them or love them how i want to.

i don't know how to love.  i've left you all in hopes of learning how . . . but i feel more lost than before.  how can i give myself to others in each moment?  how can i live powerfully when i can hardly find the strength to face the day, to face the moment?  i want to know Jesus, but i don't know him enough.  i try to rely on him through the day, to lean on him.  indeed, he is the only strength i have.  and i have no love on my own, no love of my own.  i don't even know how to surrender ~ how to tell if I have surrendered enough.  if i have surrendered fully.

i have faith though, by the grace of God ~ He is hearing and answering my prayers for more faith.  i believe he must be working in this frail heart of mine ~ must be doing something in the midst of all this pain.  he is certainly teaching me how weak i am.  i was and have been praying for humility, so this must be part of his answer.  He is a good God.  He is a good God, and he only gives good gifts.  

my heart is very sorrowful, but he will make it glad when it is time to be glad.  my heart is very lonely, but he is bringing me into his company.  i am confused and without understanding, but he knows the way.  "I do not concern myself with great matters, or with things too wonderful for me.  But I have stilled and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me."


i do not leap into this time at Firwood, nor the coming year with Mission Year, full of confidence or assurance that i can love people the best, that i can change people, that i can be there for people whenever they need me.  those of you who are sending me out, prayerfully and financially: i hope that you know that you are not sending out a powerful missionary, nor an ever happy one.  it is only fair and right that you should know this, and should know me and hear from me as i am.  you are sending out of child of God, who is weak and small, and who is sometimes confused and sad.  but know this: in my weakness, Jesus is my only strength; in my sorrow, my only comfort; in my confusion, my only hope.  i will cling to him as he changes me, in prayer that his strength perpetuates into an encouragement and light for those around me, however muddled my heart may be.  see me truly; and may the Savior appear most clearly in this truth. 

and He is continually changing me; a small root of joy is deepening in my heart.

to God be all praise, honor, and adoration forever and ever,
Amen.