"If people cared about people, there wouldn't be any hurting in the world.
I can't believe that just came out of my mouth; it was so cliche; but it's true."
A friend reminded me of this simple truth in conversation at a coffee shop this morning. And it is painfully cliche, and painfully true.
Painful only because we tend to care about so many other things instead.
We care about our jobs, about making ends meet, about keeping the status quo, about moving up at work, about doing what we're supposed to do and always have done.
We care about what other people think of us, or, more regularly, the terrifying question, "What would they think?"
We care about labels, the ways we've come to define and relate to other people, be they groups of people or individuals we may or may not like.
We care about doctrine, about rules, about formulas, about beliefs, about sneaky circles of words that go around and around us without our knowing, though we know, oh do we know.
We care about being safe, secure, steady, stable, so we stay stuck sticking in the life and rhythms and habits we've set or sunken into, never stopping to realize that we don't much like them anyway.
We care about feeling okay, so we go home at night and medicate: we drink beer, we eat sugar and gluten and dairy, we watch television or play video games or numb out to a computer screen, or watch porn or have flippant sex or masturbate, we take pills, we recite the words of our soothing creeds and rituals.
We do it all and never realize that if we took the time to stop, to care, to rebel against our rhythm into the abyss of being - of being with a person (be it someone else or just ourself) - we may arrive at the end of the day feeling okay simply being.
If people cared about people, there wouldn't be any hurting in the world.
If I care about people, my world will have less hurting.
I can care about people.
I have time. I have energy. I have resources.
I will have in abundance equivalently to how much I care about people. I trust this.
Mmmm. Reminders.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Entering Adulthood
Dear friends and loved ones,
In the past several months of finding my independence in Houston, I have undergone significant personal change. It wasn't until I stepped out on my own that I began to confront honestly and nakedly the belief system, moral paradigm, and lifestyle by which I was raised. And to tell you frankly, I have found evangelical, fundamentalist Christianity very wanting in the depths of my spirit. I no longer feel that I must "believe" (falsely) what those around me call "truth" in order to "go to heaven," or, indeed, to have an authentic relationship with God. I no longer intend to listen to others with my own inflexible agenda; I no longer choose to categorize life's complexities in shallow black and white boxes; I no longer can authentically claim superiority in my worship system over everyone else's.
What remains the same? Me. Who I am fundamentally. My deep love for Jesus. My deep appreciation for and dependence on the mystery of God. My desire to genuinely love other people. My heart to see others well. My desire for unity, peace, truth, wholeness. My wounds, my flaws, my shame, my immaturity, my beauty, my triumph, my greatness, my wisdom.
A hugely motivating force in my personal transformation has been entering into my first ever romantic relationship, with a person who I deeply love and respect. My partner, who also did Mission Year in Houston (on one of the other teams in the city), is a woman. Having been raised to believe that "homosexuality" is a sin, I had to choose for myself between fear of a doctrine and what many of my loved ones (doubtless including some of you) think, and the love I felt called to in my own spirit. Love is winning. More than that, I am becoming a softer, gentler, more vulnerable, more honest, more whole person in the process.
In no way has this process been easy or simple. But I believe that I am coming to know myself and the world around me more truly with every step. To those of you who find this information offensive, my intentions are not to dishonor you in any way, but to honor you by honoring myself and by sharing with you honestly. I hope that this unexpected turn in my life will not drive a rift between any of us, but will push us to greater love for one another even in our differences. I ask for your acceptance of me and the fact that this is my life and my relationship, as well as a very personal and tender part of my life in which I ask for your respect, and not any negative viewpoints.
In other news, I am coming to visit at the end of September, and bringing Jessi along to meet y'all. Really looking forward to seeing you. Miss you.
With love,
Hannah
In the past several months of finding my independence in Houston, I have undergone significant personal change. It wasn't until I stepped out on my own that I began to confront honestly and nakedly the belief system, moral paradigm, and lifestyle by which I was raised. And to tell you frankly, I have found evangelical, fundamentalist Christianity very wanting in the depths of my spirit. I no longer feel that I must "believe" (falsely) what those around me call "truth" in order to "go to heaven," or, indeed, to have an authentic relationship with God. I no longer intend to listen to others with my own inflexible agenda; I no longer choose to categorize life's complexities in shallow black and white boxes; I no longer can authentically claim superiority in my worship system over everyone else's.
What remains the same? Me. Who I am fundamentally. My deep love for Jesus. My deep appreciation for and dependence on the mystery of God. My desire to genuinely love other people. My heart to see others well. My desire for unity, peace, truth, wholeness. My wounds, my flaws, my shame, my immaturity, my beauty, my triumph, my greatness, my wisdom.
A hugely motivating force in my personal transformation has been entering into my first ever romantic relationship, with a person who I deeply love and respect. My partner, who also did Mission Year in Houston (on one of the other teams in the city), is a woman. Having been raised to believe that "homosexuality" is a sin, I had to choose for myself between fear of a doctrine and what many of my loved ones (doubtless including some of you) think, and the love I felt called to in my own spirit. Love is winning. More than that, I am becoming a softer, gentler, more vulnerable, more honest, more whole person in the process.
In no way has this process been easy or simple. But I believe that I am coming to know myself and the world around me more truly with every step. To those of you who find this information offensive, my intentions are not to dishonor you in any way, but to honor you by honoring myself and by sharing with you honestly. I hope that this unexpected turn in my life will not drive a rift between any of us, but will push us to greater love for one another even in our differences. I ask for your acceptance of me and the fact that this is my life and my relationship, as well as a very personal and tender part of my life in which I ask for your respect, and not any negative viewpoints.
In other news, I am coming to visit at the end of September, and bringing Jessi along to meet y'all. Really looking forward to seeing you. Miss you.
With love,
Hannah
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Letter to Myself
At the end of Mission Year, during the retreat, we were asked to write a letter to our three-month-later selves, reminding us of what we'd like to remember.
I received mine this evening and found it very timely.
There is so much turbulence in my life now; it seems that everything is teetering on the brink of change. I am excited for the plunge, and yearning to take courage in the fall. I am so aware of all that I don't know about myself, and waiting still for a community to sink my heart and teeth into. The details would be too much to inform you of in a blogpost, so I share this as my update, asking you pray it move my heart to a courageous place, praying that it move yours.
One thing more: to live fully, I think, is to be most painfully in love.
July 24, 2013
Dear Hannah,
I don't know what to say to you, because I don't know what to say to me. My heart is heavy again, with the same thing as always, it seems: the burden of longing; that air that hovers all throughout my torso, making me perpetually uneasy, as though I were teetering along a tight-rope, suspended above a great and impeding darkness; as though my heart were a little butterfly, soft and fluttering senselessly, cruelly beating its wings against a solid, cold metal cage. Like no one can see me. Like nothing will be right. Like I will collapse inside, unable even to carry out the simplest and most necessary of daily tasks.
It is amazing how lost within it I get, and how quickly. Why is my heart designed this way - to desire another so wholly and overwhelmingly that I feel useless, unable to breathe without being able to partake in love with them?
I don't know what to say to you; I don't know what to say to myself.
Just now, I confessed in prayer to the group, "Lord, I feel weighed down with longing, and I need you to fill me." A greater peace came up within me.
Dear Hannah, remember~
He is here.
He listens.
He desires me - perhaps with a great weight.
You have no need, but for to take Him in with your breath and be continually made alive again in the vulnerability of community.
He will fill you with every love to extend to others; you need only ask.
To be broken is a gift, if we will let it bring us to listen.
Listen. He is speaking; He is speaking with a great voice. Do not delay to listen. Make no other priority.
I am a hypocrite, but I believe in you, and so does He.
Do not be afraid.
Listen.
Listen.
Listen.
That is the only advice I can give you.
Love,
Yourself
I received mine this evening and found it very timely.
There is so much turbulence in my life now; it seems that everything is teetering on the brink of change. I am excited for the plunge, and yearning to take courage in the fall. I am so aware of all that I don't know about myself, and waiting still for a community to sink my heart and teeth into. The details would be too much to inform you of in a blogpost, so I share this as my update, asking you pray it move my heart to a courageous place, praying that it move yours.
One thing more: to live fully, I think, is to be most painfully in love.
July 24, 2013
Dear Hannah,
I don't know what to say to you, because I don't know what to say to me. My heart is heavy again, with the same thing as always, it seems: the burden of longing; that air that hovers all throughout my torso, making me perpetually uneasy, as though I were teetering along a tight-rope, suspended above a great and impeding darkness; as though my heart were a little butterfly, soft and fluttering senselessly, cruelly beating its wings against a solid, cold metal cage. Like no one can see me. Like nothing will be right. Like I will collapse inside, unable even to carry out the simplest and most necessary of daily tasks.
It is amazing how lost within it I get, and how quickly. Why is my heart designed this way - to desire another so wholly and overwhelmingly that I feel useless, unable to breathe without being able to partake in love with them?
I don't know what to say to you; I don't know what to say to myself.
Just now, I confessed in prayer to the group, "Lord, I feel weighed down with longing, and I need you to fill me." A greater peace came up within me.
Dear Hannah, remember~
He is here.
He listens.
He desires me - perhaps with a great weight.
You have no need, but for to take Him in with your breath and be continually made alive again in the vulnerability of community.
He will fill you with every love to extend to others; you need only ask.
To be broken is a gift, if we will let it bring us to listen.
Listen. He is speaking; He is speaking with a great voice. Do not delay to listen. Make no other priority.
I am a hypocrite, but I believe in you, and so does He.
Do not be afraid.
Listen.
Listen.
Listen.
That is the only advice I can give you.
Love,
Yourself
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
New Year Update
My Mission Year is now nearly two months past, but, as several of you requested, I will be continuing to send updates on my spiritual life and learning, as a means of staying connected with you & staying thoughtful and accountable. You can keep up with these updates by "following by email:" view the bar on the right of this blog.
In case you are not up on the details, I returned to Houston two weeks ago, and am working as a live-in nanny and continuing to develop the Reading Tutor Program and community garden at the Forge for Families. I've found myself in a slightly unexpected position of creating and developing my community nearly from scratch ~ things were much different during Mission Year. I know or have met most of the people I am presently in contact with, but I find myself in the very initial stages of determining how I will invest my time, and wondering where my intimate friendships will arise this year. There is a quote from a Mumford & Sons song that says, "Where you invest your love, you invest your life," which I think is very true, and so I take on this season with a certain sobriety; it is teeming with significance.
My spiritual life over the last two weeks has been rich and full of blessing. Many people struggle with the re-entry into normal life from the spiritually favorable structure of Mission Year, but the Lord has kept me very close. While visiting home for three weeks, I was surrounded by loved ones who share with me a consuming and even desperate need for God (and admittance of such need) coupled with a living hope and a rampant search for more. I am reminded - through experience, the best teacher - of the both massive gift and incredible necessity of having good friends: friends who believe. (This sort also happens to be the sort who are most attuned to and capable of committed, faithful friendship. Bonus.)
Now, through my reflective phase at the end of Mission Year, my good friends back home, and other influences and convictions, I've been in a phase of desiring to listen more and more fully to Father's voice.
It really began several months ago, when He began to make clear to me how miraculously He listens to my prayers. I know that all those of us who in some way ascribe to the Christian faith uphold a textbookish requirement to believe that the Eternal hears our murmurings... but really, who actually believes that the Great One listens? Who, after all, am I that the Ultimate should listen to me... and actually give me what I ask for?? But He does! He really does, and has, and has tenderly shown me that He does. As my heart grows closer to Him, His heart grows closer to mine. And He cares for what -and specifically who- I care for, and our hearts become each other's in the communion of love and pain. And as His heart comes closer to mine, I desire to come closer to His, and the desire born to listen -for me to listen- is truer than it has ever been before. And life is no less painful, but it is continually fuller.
So now, in this season of newness, I seek to listen; I pray for God to guide me toward whom and how I should love; I ask Him to continue to break my heart, though it is becoming a scarier thing to ask; I ask Him to give me more of His love, and I know that He will and does. I've come up against new challenges, and also against old ones. Aspects of my life are troubling to me, but I feel that I am growing in peace and clarity.
Thank you for being prayer warriors for my life. I believe that your prayers have a more tremendous effect than you imagine.
Please pray for me in (one or more of) these ways this month:
~an abundance of love and patience for the children
~a spirit of rigorous creativity
~wisdom and leading in my job at the Forge
~a spirit and routine increasingly adept to listening
~for my dear friend Jessi
~for my brother Benjamin
With love and gratitude,
Hannah Rooth
In case you are not up on the details, I returned to Houston two weeks ago, and am working as a live-in nanny and continuing to develop the Reading Tutor Program and community garden at the Forge for Families. I've found myself in a slightly unexpected position of creating and developing my community nearly from scratch ~ things were much different during Mission Year. I know or have met most of the people I am presently in contact with, but I find myself in the very initial stages of determining how I will invest my time, and wondering where my intimate friendships will arise this year. There is a quote from a Mumford & Sons song that says, "Where you invest your love, you invest your life," which I think is very true, and so I take on this season with a certain sobriety; it is teeming with significance.
My spiritual life over the last two weeks has been rich and full of blessing. Many people struggle with the re-entry into normal life from the spiritually favorable structure of Mission Year, but the Lord has kept me very close. While visiting home for three weeks, I was surrounded by loved ones who share with me a consuming and even desperate need for God (and admittance of such need) coupled with a living hope and a rampant search for more. I am reminded - through experience, the best teacher - of the both massive gift and incredible necessity of having good friends: friends who believe. (This sort also happens to be the sort who are most attuned to and capable of committed, faithful friendship. Bonus.)
Now, through my reflective phase at the end of Mission Year, my good friends back home, and other influences and convictions, I've been in a phase of desiring to listen more and more fully to Father's voice.
It really began several months ago, when He began to make clear to me how miraculously He listens to my prayers. I know that all those of us who in some way ascribe to the Christian faith uphold a textbookish requirement to believe that the Eternal hears our murmurings... but really, who actually believes that the Great One listens? Who, after all, am I that the Ultimate should listen to me... and actually give me what I ask for?? But He does! He really does, and has, and has tenderly shown me that He does. As my heart grows closer to Him, His heart grows closer to mine. And He cares for what -and specifically who- I care for, and our hearts become each other's in the communion of love and pain. And as His heart comes closer to mine, I desire to come closer to His, and the desire born to listen -for me to listen- is truer than it has ever been before. And life is no less painful, but it is continually fuller.
So now, in this season of newness, I seek to listen; I pray for God to guide me toward whom and how I should love; I ask Him to continue to break my heart, though it is becoming a scarier thing to ask; I ask Him to give me more of His love, and I know that He will and does. I've come up against new challenges, and also against old ones. Aspects of my life are troubling to me, but I feel that I am growing in peace and clarity.
Thank you for being prayer warriors for my life. I believe that your prayers have a more tremendous effect than you imagine.
Please pray for me in (one or more of) these ways this month:
~an abundance of love and patience for the children
~a spirit of rigorous creativity
~wisdom and leading in my job at the Forge
~a spirit and routine increasingly adept to listening
~for my dear friend Jessi
~for my brother Benjamin
With love and gratitude,
Hannah Rooth
 |
| My sister and I, Birch Bay, August 2013 |
 |
| View from the peak of Early Winter Spires, which I climbed with my father, August 2013 |
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Unexpected Plans
As those of you who follow my newsletters know, this year has been a very positive, formative one for me. The relationships and community that Mission Year has helped, guided, and stimulated me to participate in have given me the freedom to come into my adult self in a way that is not typically afforded in our society to a person of my age (or any, rather). I am extremely grateful for the time I've spent here, the people who've been so intentional in helping me learn about love, and the people whom I have been able to practice loving intentionally. (I use the word not in the sense that love is simply something I would practice on somebody, but in indication of the intentional way I've been trying to learn to relate to people in the context of my life here.)
Now that I am facing the end of year and the next phase of my life, I have found that my time in Houston is not yet completed. Though completely unexpected and ossified over a period of only a few weeks, I am at peace with my decision to return to Houston over the next school year. My intentions in coming are to continue the lifestyle and relationships that I have been practicing here; this time, I will be practicing them of my own accord and means, rather than under the commitment and responsibility to a program.
I am extremely excited to return to Houston at the beginning of September, after visiting all y'all in Whatcom County during August (:
I'm excited to grow in the relationships that have been gifted me, to continue to learn how to sacrifice and invest in the right places, to stay true to simplicity and neighborliness in a new context and while very much on my own, to be challenged to trust God and my new church here completely with my support system, to continue the process of learning about my true self in a context where I am able to start fresh in many ways, to continue the work I've been doing at the Forge for Families with being an encouraging influence for mentorship (through the Reading Tutors program) and building the community garden, to nanny a trio of very darling children, to explore the city of Houston with a bit more time on my hands and a bicycle . . . the list goes on and on . . .
This has in no way been an easy decision. I feel a lot of angst in not coming back to be close to you friends and family who I love dearly and completely. God has given me peace, though, in knowing that I can love you better here now than I could being right with you: because He has more to teach me here. I'll miss you still and more and hope to stay in touch perhaps more than I've been able to this year. I am anticipating with much joy coming back to share my growth in the Whatcom County area, and to dive fully into community with you all, but it turns out that this coming year is not the time to do so.
If you would like to speak with me about this decision in more detail, I would be happy to share with you. Give me a phone call (:
With love,
Hannah
Now that I am facing the end of year and the next phase of my life, I have found that my time in Houston is not yet completed. Though completely unexpected and ossified over a period of only a few weeks, I am at peace with my decision to return to Houston over the next school year. My intentions in coming are to continue the lifestyle and relationships that I have been practicing here; this time, I will be practicing them of my own accord and means, rather than under the commitment and responsibility to a program.
I am extremely excited to return to Houston at the beginning of September, after visiting all y'all in Whatcom County during August (:
I'm excited to grow in the relationships that have been gifted me, to continue to learn how to sacrifice and invest in the right places, to stay true to simplicity and neighborliness in a new context and while very much on my own, to be challenged to trust God and my new church here completely with my support system, to continue the process of learning about my true self in a context where I am able to start fresh in many ways, to continue the work I've been doing at the Forge for Families with being an encouraging influence for mentorship (through the Reading Tutors program) and building the community garden, to nanny a trio of very darling children, to explore the city of Houston with a bit more time on my hands and a bicycle . . . the list goes on and on . . .
This has in no way been an easy decision. I feel a lot of angst in not coming back to be close to you friends and family who I love dearly and completely. God has given me peace, though, in knowing that I can love you better here now than I could being right with you: because He has more to teach me here. I'll miss you still and more and hope to stay in touch perhaps more than I've been able to this year. I am anticipating with much joy coming back to share my growth in the Whatcom County area, and to dive fully into community with you all, but it turns out that this coming year is not the time to do so.
If you would like to speak with me about this decision in more detail, I would be happy to share with you. Give me a phone call (:
With love,
Hannah
Thursday, June 6, 2013
excerpt from a book worth reading
"As for the land economies, the academic and political economists seem mainly to ignore them. For years, as I have read articles on the economy, I have waited in vain for the author to "factor in" farming or ranching or forestry. The expert assumption appears to be that the products of the soil are not included in the economy until after they have been taken at the lowest possible cost from those who did the actual work of production, at which time they enter the economy as raw materials for food, fiber, timber, and lately the fuel industries. The result is inevitable: The industrial system is disconnected from, is unconcerned about, and takes no responsibility for, its natural and human sources. The further result is that these sources are not maintained but merely used and thus are made as exhaustible as the fossil fuels.
As for nature herself, virtually nobody--not the "environmentalist," let alone the economist--regards nature as an economic resource. Nature, especially where she has troubled herself to be scenic, is understood to have a recreational and perhaps aesthetic value that is to some extent economic. But for her accommodation of our needs to eat, drink, breathe, and be clothed and sheltered, our industrial and financial systems grant her no recognition, honor, or care."
Wendell Berry, "What Matters? Economics for a Renewed Commonwealth," emphasis mine.
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